Cruicis through my eyes

Camp Crucis alumni weekend was this past Saturday / Sunday. While I absolutely love going with Chris there are many thoughts running through my head while I am there. These thoughts are not thoughts that most people at Crucis have, I am sure.
There are so many memories at Camp Crucis, so many fun times have been had there. Only, not by me. These are not my memories; they are Chris' memories. They are the memories our friends hold. For me, Camp Crucis is a time to socialize (yes, that is not my norm) and feel like a part of something big. Crucis is that something big for our group of friends. This was were almost all of Chris' friends met each other. Having moved from place to place so many times in my life, this is the something big I never had but always wanted. At Crucis, I feel that, even though I never went to camp there, never met ANY of these people before 2006, that I am still a very tiny, minuscule, part of them. I feel included. I feel welcomed. I feel loved. These are not feelings I am missing in everyday life, but to feel them in a setting such as Crucis is amazing. It is as if we (outsiders) are allowed into the inner sanctum; a place few ever get to see. For that, I am extremely thankful.
On the other side of my brain is a small storm circling Crucis. For most of you, you know my religious thoughts. I don't believe in most of what everyone at Crucis believes. So part of me spends the weekend dreading anything religious; mass, prayer, etc. I am mostly in dread of the unknown, the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what to do in a situation. That did not happen this weekend though! There was a lot of talking and a lot of drinking. Those things, I can do.
Most people, being at Crucis, feel extremely close to their God. Me, not so much. I have talked at length with people about their feelings and emotions surrounding this camp, many speak of it with tears running down their cheeks from love and pride in this place. I have never felt this presence while I am there, I doubt I ever will. I do agree though, if I were to ever feel God's presence, it would be here. I do not deny there is a magic there. I just do not feel that it is God. This is the reason for the storm. I don't want to come across to anyone at all as if I am demeaning Crucis or littering hallowed ground by being there and not believing. I respect everyone there for what they believe and feel, appreciate their belief in something, their need to believe in something. I just hope no one thinks less of me because of my beliefs (or lack thereof).
Again, I am thankful to EVERYONE at Crucis for taking me in as one of their own and including me, no matter what I do or do not agree with and believe in. It is a place that will alwaysb e in my heart even though it is for different reasons than everyone else there. My memories and fun times there will be vastly different, but will be no less important in my life.