The interwebs have a way of jading us in so many ways. So very many ways. It turns us against everything, if we listen to it all.It makes us hate men, corporations, skinny women, moms, social media (well, any media), the government, the internet itself, OURSELVES, and pretty much everyone and everything on the planet. Given enough time on the net, one can find enough cons to hate everything out there. Except cats. Reddit will never let anyone hate cats.
This has been haunting me for just about all of my adult life. Not all, there was a time when I thought I was pretty damn cute and downright sexy (a little bit) too. I mean, it wasn't glaring but the feeling was there. I could at least turn some heads now and then. I felt confident and comfortable riding in a convertible, that's for sure. Later, a long time ago, I started gaining weight and, in turn, losing self-esteem just like everyone else that has weight gain. So much so that I gave up the convertible because I hated being in it. I have a (probably stupid) theory that people in convertibles get more attention on the road. I know they get it from me. You see a girl driving with the top down and you look. Prior to this, I liked that. I would notice the looks and thrive off it; it could be a great ego boost. Afterwards though, the looks I got felt, to my weak mind, like judgment looks. "Why is SHE driving that car?" or "Oh, wow, that's not what I expected her to look like when I pulled up alongside." So, I stopped putting the top down. Then I just gave up the car altogether. I couldn't stand the judgments from others when i was doing enough judging of myself. It has been that way ever since. Not once since then have I wanted to even ride with someone in a convertible. (I told you, I have stupid ideas at times, yes.) The feeling of wanting to hide from everyone and putting myself out there just don't collaborate. \
The web is filled with memes and blogs telling everyone to stop judging others; telling everyone else how judgmental everyone on Earth is. Today, I had a completely unexpected revelation. Lars had a friend's birthday party and so while he was stuffing cake and Cheetos into his face, I was talking with a couple of moms. Well, I sat next to them while they were talking and just nodded as I interrupted them. I tend to invite myself to conversations when I am nervous and being in a big group makes me terrified. Anyway, they were discussing their trials and tribulations with losing weight. One of them saying that she saw herself in a picture and felt she looked so huge. You know in the cartoons when a character is running and they literally skid to a stop? Yeah, that's what my brain did. My first thought was that I completely heard them wrong and they were talking about someone else they saw or know. The one that made the photo comment is stunning and has a figure I would do anything for (except diet and exercise, apparently). It was right then and there that I realized these two moms have always been extremely nice to me and we seem to get along quite well. They have never avoided me because I am the fat mom at the parties or not as pretty as them or even because they are better moms than I am. They never ever made me feel like they felt those things toward me. I always thought they would; my brain always told me all the other moms noticed those things about me. They didn't. Ok, if they DID,the did not let on. In fact, they were feeling bad about themselves.
That realization today is that many people really don't care what I look like. Of course, the guys' heads don't turn anymore but I don't think that is a judgement on their part; it is a simple fact of attractiveness not being there. The thought hit me today that it is possible that some of us that feel judged the most only FEEL we are being judged because of our own self-judgments making us assume everyone is judging us for the same things. Sure, there are people that judge us. There always will be. However, we can't go around assuming everyone is doing so. Just because the internet assumes everyone is judging us doesn't mean they really are. In fact, the internet seems to judge us more than anyone. Go try it. Go in Reddit with a post anything other than a cat and you'll see in five minutes in the comments.
I now have a new goal for losing weight: to feel comfortable in a convertible again. I can do that.
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