Hopeless Rant

Tonight, lying in bed with Lars (again, yes, don't judge), I was so emotional.  He was fighting sleep, as usual, by singing his songs he is practicing for his school recital coming up.  Jingle Bells and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  Laughing at him and crying for Newtown, CT at the same time.  I feel this... something different, new.  It is something other than sadness, depression, sympathy (I feel those too).  It feels like a hole, this emptiness, this "something" that is missing.  It is not innocence, that has been gone a long time.  I am scared it is hope.  I am terrified I have lost hope.  I don't want that.  Hope is critical.  But, it has, at least in part, and temporarily, left me.  I don't know what to expect for Lars' future.

I have not given up.  I will always fight for him no matter what.  I am just scared for what the future holds and how far ahead it goes.  I have never been this scared for the future;  I have always been hopeful for a positive one.  Hopeful that people will get their shit together and stop this.  That hope has gone.

What has come is a great sense of helplessness.  A sense of not being able to keep Lars safe no matter what choices I make.  It is no longer up to us, as parents; it is out of our hands.  I am thankful he is too young to ask if he is safe.  If he asked me tonight, I would burst into tears and not know what to say.  How can I say, "No, baby, we are not safe anywhere.  We always have to be on guard, at the mall, at the movies, at school, in the parking lot.  We can never truly feel safe.".  No, I can't say that, can I?  I have to suck it up and say, "Yes, sweetheart.  You are safe.  This happens so rarely, it was just a bad man that chose to make a horrible bad decision.  YOU, though, you are so safe.  Mommy will not let anything bad happen to you.".  But how can I say that either?  It is not the same as lying about Santa Claus.  The moment he realizes I lied about that will not be as dramatic as the moment I hope never happens; the moment a gunman bursts into his classroom and starts shooting and he wonders where I am.  He would wonder why I am not protecting him like I promised.  I can't bear that thought.

Cassidy says it is temporary, she says, "Hope.  Hope comes and goes.  You may have lost it now but it will come back and it may be there still just hidden under your sadness and fear."  Please be right, Cassidy.  Please.