Starting this post, I honestly have absolutely no idea what I am going to write. My post title is still blank. I am just typing and we will see what ends up on the page. Maybe it will just end up a rant. Who knows, I sure don't.
It isn't that I have nothing to be thankful for, great scott no, there is so, so much. It is that I cannot narrow it down. It is that most of it seems so trivial. It is that I cannot get past the Sandy Hook tragedy. What can I say I am thankful for that is worthy? The only thing I can think of is having Lars, having my family. I just cannot say enough how thankful I really am for that; words cannot express my thankfulness for that.
Why is it I feel like I am the only one still so sad? I look at Facebook and there is not one post about Sandy Hook. Not one. It feels like everyone has just let it go and moved on with their lives. Maybe I should but I can't. Maybe it is that everything has been said. What else is there really to say? That is another problem I am having, how to figure out how to vent these feelings. I think no one knows how to do that.
Every single time I close my eyes I have visions. I see a few versions of the events Friday. In one, I see a room full of Lars and Skyler - then I see the horror they would feel. In another, I see the faces of the actual victims. I imagine what happened in those classrooms, I feel how scared they were, I try to imagine that they felt nothing and it was over in an instant. In yet another vision, I put myself in the shoes of the teachers trying to keep calm while saving their children. There are so many different visions and none of them are good. I try like hell to see something, anything, else. I focus on Lars. I focus on what we did recently. I focus on what we will do. But, it always comes back to the tragedy. It is difficult to get to sleep.
Yesterday, Saturday, was so much easier. We were so busy! I didn't have much time to think about things. We went to Lars' winter festival at school in the morning. That was so cheerful and festive! Then we went to Target just so he could spend his own money (gift cards from his birthday) on a train set all by himself. After there, we went to Chilis for lunch where he ate NOTHING, of course. We set up his new train set on the table, taking up about 2/3 of the table, and he played the entire time. Sam's was next up which was not all that fun with a tired 3 year old. After we got home there was a nap (the boy and myself) and then it was time to drop him off and get ready for our dinner party. The dinner party which lasted until 3:00 am. So yeah, I was distracted yesterday.
TODAY, Sunday was completely opposite. We slept in (read previous paragraph regarding 3:00 am party), then basically waited for the boy to come home. So, yeah, today there was a lot of moping and being depressed.
I have just realized that today, this YOT Day 29, I am so thankful for distractions in times of sadness.
I have a lot of sympathy and compassion for others when they are hurting...to a fault. It is nothing I can help, it is just who I am. Some days I wish so much that I didn't feel as much pain and sadness for others. Did you read "The Secret Life of Bees"? There was a character named Mary Boatwright. She was hypersensitive and could feel how others felt. Sure, it is more extreme than how I am, but still slightly similar. Anyway, it was a great book and you should read it.
I am consumed right now with so many feelings, sadness, thankfulness, worry, fear, relief, pretty much any emotion there is, I am feeling it right now.
Time will pass, I will see the families healing and that will help me. I cannot wait for that moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment