Yesterday, I had no words. Today is not all that much better.
My hope is that finding something, anything, to write will help ease the weight I feel in my heart. What comes out may be more rambling than anything else but I need to try.
This morning will be so very difficult for over 20 families in Newtown, CT. I don't know how they will get out of bed, if they went to bed. I don't know how they will go through their day. I don't know how they will walk by their little child's room. I don't know how they will look at the gifts under the tree that won't get opened. I don't know how they remember to breathe.
The sandy Hook Elementary tragedy will forever be in our hearts; those families will never leave my mind. Just as they will with so many other people around the world.
Last night, we picked up Larzipan from school and just the sight of him made me so emotional. It took every ounce of strength I had to keep form crying in front of a room of 3 year olds. Seeing him sitting at his table, eating his snack, looking up at me with that sweet, mischievous grin on his face, was so overwhelmingly amazing. In the 30 seconds I stood there, it shocked me how many thoughts and feelings went through my mind so fast. Happiness that I was standing there looking at my boy. Aching sadness for the parents that would not get to see their kids anymore.
Then we took him train shopping, then home to hug and kiss on him all night, then let him sleep in our bed. Pretty much whatever he wanted. The best part was he thought he was winning all night. His smug grin when he climbed into our bed said, "ha ha! I got in your bed and now I win!". Yeah, you win this time.
There is nothing I can say that has not been felt or expressed by every other parent out there. Even some of you that are not parents understand and share our sorrow. We all have someone, a child in our lives that would allow us to sympathize with these families. We all have the gift, and curse, of compassion.
What I can say is that I hope so much that you all will NEVER, absolutely never, take your loved ones for granted. If we learn anything from living in these ridiculously scary times, it should be that you honestly do not know when your "last chance" will be. It is morbid and terrifying to think about but I may not have tomorrow with my family. I don't dwell on that part, I do dwell on how I feel about the ones I love.
One thing I am proud of myself for is the fact that if I love you, you know it. You have no doubts. I make it a point to ensure everyone in my heart KNOWS they are there. If I think about someone, I call or even text them just to tell them I love them.
I know this would not help me ease the pain of losing my child. I don't know what would ever be able to do that. But, it helps me knowing while he is here, he knows how I feel.
Today this YOT Day 28 - I am so thankful for every day with my family. Every single day I get.
You should be thankful for that too. Never forget it. Never let that feeling go. Appreciate every day, every hour, you get to have them in your life.
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