My job is a good fit for me...I am not sure that I am a good fit for my job sometimes. I have been there for just going on a year and a half now. I was just getting to where I actually understood what I was doing! Things were flying in and I was tossing my net out there catching everything. Sure, some things hovered on the edge there but I always reeled them in at the end. I was feeling confident, proud, excited, and relaxed. Hell, I even got co-rookie of the year! The work is extremely interesting (to me - no one seems totally understand what it is I do even though it seems simple enough to me when I explain it).
I don't think even Chris understands it. If anyone there can explain to me what I do - someone that does not work where I do - I will give you a prize!
Then, oh then, the rug was yanked out from under me and I was scared. Starting new things is good for me. I need it; I crave it. So, being told I was going to learn so many new things was scare but so exciting! I was actually a little over-confident and convinced myself I could pick it up with no problem in no time at all. That's how I get along with almost every other thing I do. Except Microsoft Access - that bitch is still beating me.
There are times I am mistaken...this is one of those times. Many days, I feel like my job is winning. Especially lately. Whew, it is so much all at once! There are so many things I need to learn, remember, and DO. I am actually finding it very hard to keep track of it all and even tougher yet to actually make it happen the way it should.
My manager, however, is amazing. She is extremely patient, even when I screw up and cause her more work. Inside she might be screaming, "WHY IS LISA HERE!?!?! She should be working at 7-11!" But outside, she is telling me all of the reasons why I should not feel bad about the mistakes. "How could you have known this? I never showed you." or "You have only done this once or twice before" or "It was so easy to miss, I may have missed it too". There is always something she has to say to make me feel better about making her life miserable. There are also few people, believe it or not, that I have worked with that know more about Excel than I do. So,even there, I have so much to learn! She has taught me a ton of useful stuff with respect to formulas and formatting that I never even knew existed. Don't even get me started on how fabulous macros are! Man, I love Excel.
This YOT, I am thankful for my manager (whom I also consider a friend) for being able to put up with me and for being able to teach me SO much!
Oh, yes, she has her moments. We are a lot alike in that respect and, oddly, many others, but this most noticeably. She does not hide well her frustrated moods, nor do I. It is always a little comical and a bit scary when she is frustrated or angry with someone. When that person is ME, or even if i have a slight inkling it is me, though, I freeze. My desk is my bubble and I wait like prey being hunted. She is not bad when she gets like that but I think it goes back to childhood for me. Getting in trouble came often for me...but the punishment I received was NEVER ever as bad as the feeling of disappointing my parents (or anyone). Now that I am not with my parents, my next in line of being over me is my manager, whomever that may be. I have always had this feeling of a fear of disappointing people. Maybe it is not so much about them but the fear of disappointing myself; if someone else is disappointed in me then I can't really be proud of myself now can I?
I will get there. It is just taking me MUCH longer than I want or anticipated and until the time where I feel like I "got" it, I will feel like a complete loser - but I try to make up for it by being good at Excel and making people laugh. Those two things are my smoke & mirrors for now. It's all I've got!
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